I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
