So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
