Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
