I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
