The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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