i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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