he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
