how can u be prego again
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
