I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
