If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
