WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
