since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
