If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
