dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
