I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
