I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
