tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
My cat gives me a boner
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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