I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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