I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
