she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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