I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
