Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
