there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
