dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize