There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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