sarcasm needs its own font
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
