respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
