I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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