I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
