Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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