I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
