So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
