we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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