I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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