whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
