Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
