I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
wakey wakey hands off snakey
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
