me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
