I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I could fuck to npr.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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