i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
