kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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