Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
