My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
