it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
