I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
