rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Randomize