My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
