I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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