it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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