I heard we made out
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
