I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
