Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
