can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
