I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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