We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I think I sprained my soul last night
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
we should paint friendship bongs
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
