Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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