Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
