He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
