Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
