I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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