Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
